you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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