i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
