Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
