Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
