nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
