Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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