Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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