I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
