We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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