omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i believe in u and ur pee
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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