So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
