if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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