I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
