I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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