it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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