In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's blow job season.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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