I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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