I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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