i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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