Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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