What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
