you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
