It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
