I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
