Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
