before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
