so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize