Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
