i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
