for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
do nipples grow back?
Randomize