he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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