Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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