We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
