What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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