did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
