Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
