i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
