GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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