Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Fuck appropriateness.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
