At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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