My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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