So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
