I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
