the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
