Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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