And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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