So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize