My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
