I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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