I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
