Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
