My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
