last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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