I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
