I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
