Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
