i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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