your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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