your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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