I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
