I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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